So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize