My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
