Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
