if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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