she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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