Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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