piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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