As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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