Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you will always have a special place in my vag
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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