Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
People in love make me want to vomit
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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