Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
