What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
