Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
