im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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