In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
