and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
