Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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