Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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