Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
