After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
