I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
