I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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