Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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