i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
