repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
