The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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