i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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