as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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