come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dick very happy bro
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
