I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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