Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
