my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize