hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
