Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
