i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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