you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
