I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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