Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
