Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
