so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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