Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
