Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
