I am puke
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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