please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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