She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
