If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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