just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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