oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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