Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize