I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Enjoy the penises
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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