this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
