Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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