my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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