If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
