We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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