So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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